My kids are watching “A Miser Brother’s Christmas”, a sequel to the classic “A Year Without a Santa Claus” that made Heat Miser and Cold Miser, and their funky personal theme songs, indelible parts of postmodern childhood.

Guess the plot. Go ahead. Yep – save Christmas. Once again, Santa is sick – and thanks to Mickey Rooney’s ancient return to the role, he sounds terminal – and somebody has gotta save a holiday that, truth be told, has nothing to do with St. Nick at all. In fact, I am pretty sure the 2,000-year-old Baby Jesus will sleep cozy in his bed of hay, surrounded by a stable of creepy talking animals, without intervention from the pagan consumer god in the red suit.

Honestly I stopped paying attention a quarter-way through the production. But I felt an urge to throw together a list of random titles – culled via googling and “amazoning” – that have “Save Christmas” in them. Just to see how bad it gets.

Baby Bratz Save Christmas video
Baby Bratz – First of all, I did not know that the notoriously trampy Bratz line had spawned a “baby” branch. But it raises the question: Are these babies the Bratz when they were younger; or the children the Bratz have brought into the world without any idea who the father is? Maybe the Baby Bratz think Santa Claus is their daddy and hope he will save them? “Set me up nice, big daddy.”

bikini bandits video cover
Bikini Bandits – I feel that it is important to point out aesthetic similarities between children’s entertainment and soft porn adult entertainment whenever possible. It fills my heart with warm, boozey eggnog to see the “save christmas” conceit used here.

The Glo-Friends – Um…vomit? But why is it listed on the NY Times website? Does the “paper of record” (or “website of record”) need to log this? I am feeling an inkling of resentment harshing my brandy buzz, so…

Ernest – I never saw this or any other Ernest movie. And that is surprising, because I am pretty sure that my young teenage mind thought that would be a good idea. Perhaps fate intervened and saved me from a life of utter mediocrity and failure. As opposed to whatever I am supposed to call what I do now. Er – anyhoo, moving on!

Elmo – Of course. In fact, I have to confess – I like Elmo so much, I am willing to forgive him anything. I’d even go around the world and demagnetize every VHS and scratch every DVD of every other “save xmas” movie just so Elmo could dominate the genre. Wow. I just learned something about myself right there. God, I’m lame.

Diego – my son watched this on Nickelodeon this morning. The Wonder Pets followed with a plot to save The Nutcracker (or was it a baby reindeer?), but I can’t bring myself to link to it.

Mickey – Wouldn’t you be disappointed if he wasn’t on the list? In what universe does Disney not sign up their corporate logo for the most clichéd xmas movie plot ever? Is it a happy place? Can we move there?

Felix the Cat – According to “When the professor [sic] and rock bottom [sic] plot to create the worlds [sic] biggest blizzard in order to ruin christmas [sic] felix the cat [sic] and poindexter [sic] must travel to the north pole to help santa claus [sic] and save christmas. [sic]” Despite the grammar and capitalization errors, this plot summary is an excellent stand-in for nearly every Christmas movie ever made.

Okay. That’s enuff. Merry Christmas. Save yourselves.

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