john yoo“So, if the President wants to crush the testicles of a terror suspect’s child, waterboard the dude, then kill everyone in his home town because they might be full of hostile insurgents, that’s cool with you?”

“Sure. What the fuck.”

“Is there a legal theory behind all this?”

“Well…yeah. I just told you.”


“What the fuck. It’s the Why Not What the Fuck Who Cares theory. You learn it at the higher levels of neocon law-talking thingy.”

“Higher levels. Explain.”

“Well, after you get so many gold coins and brass rings and dodge so many flaming barrels, you get ten thousand extra lives and a magic gecko that shoots napalm out of its eyes.”

“And where does the, um, this theory come in?”

“Oh, well, you go through these gray iron doors and stumble into a room full of undead nazis with flame-throwers, so anything you do at that point is totally justified by the War Powers Act, the Constitution, the St. Crispin’s Day Speech in King Henry V, side 2 of ZoFo, and this giant bag of mushrooms I have been chewing on for the last ten years.”

“How is this theory formulated?”

“Sure. Ah … ‘The President is granted Absolute Dominion of Earth, Sea and Heavens to ensure a perpetual sense of peace and security in the mind of his constituents, regardless of merit, legality or mental stability.’ Another way to put it — ‘Cuz we said we could. Fuck you.'”

“Thank you. That will be all.”

“Um… am I, uh, … ya know….”

“Oh, your ass is covered. We have our own theories: bipartisanship, or moving on. In other words — ‘Cuz we don’t really care.”

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