Crude and Feckless — Page 17
And here are the rest of the squatters: Brian, Fernis, a horned witch called Mary, and Izzy with delusions of grandeur.
Brian is not a Red Cap, but the son of one, a malicious goblin who lives along among castle ruins and enjoys slaughtering anyone who crosses its path. How Brian’s dad came to reproduce is a fluke. I imagine being his son would be a real drag.
Fernis, a refugee from the war in Hades, is a dwarf who migrated, turned away from digging for gold, and set up shop in Elysium until, as he says, things went awry.
Mary is one of the Horned Women in Irish folklore. This is one of my favorite stories.
Izzy is a problem.
↓ Transcript
PANEL 1
Red hooded elven boy named Brian
BRIAN: Name’s Brian. Me dad was a Red Cap, scythe-wieldin’ haunter of castle ruins. I couldnae have friends cuz he’d cut ‘em down soon as they stepped foot in the house. I ran away. Fell in with this lot. Now I got friends. Not bad!
PANEL 2
Blue hatted dwarf with a grey beard named Fernis.
FERNIS: They call me Fernis. Came here when war broke out in Hades. Ran a newspaper there. Souls hunger for news of the living. Was gonna launch a website when Tantalus attacked Elysium. Bombed my offices! Had to clear out and, well, one thing or another, here I am. Poor and always hungry.
PANEL 3
Brian puts his arm around Fernis, who weeps in his shoulder. Mary, the horned woman speaks.
BRIAN: We got ya, mate.
FERNIS: More’n I deserve. (SOB)
MARY: I have all sorts of names, but you can call me Mary.
PANEL 4
Mary lifts her pint as she speaks. She’s one of The Horned Women
MARY: Back in the day my 11 sisters and I were powerful witches.
See these horns? I got two. My first sister had one, my third sister had three, and so on til my twelfth sister had twelve bloody horns stickin’ out of her fool head.
We were frightful. No one messed with us. We made bogies shit ‘emselves.
All good til one day some plucky warrior took a saw to my sister’s horns.
Destroyed their magic. I got away, but without my sisters, I cannae do shite.
PANEL 5
Izzy (Isidore), the goblin Fiona kicked out the window. Mary scoffs.
Izzy: I am Prince Leonardo. My family line hails from the great Cuchulainn!
MARY: Shut it! Yer name’s Izzy. Yer crap and yer family is crap.
Izzy: I can be what I want.
MARY: Feh. Yeh’ll always be a bloody Izzy to me.
Red hooded elven boy named Brian
BRIAN: Name’s Brian. Me dad was a Red Cap, scythe-wieldin’ haunter of castle ruins. I couldnae have friends cuz he’d cut ‘em down soon as they stepped foot in the house. I ran away. Fell in with this lot. Now I got friends. Not bad!
PANEL 2
Blue hatted dwarf with a grey beard named Fernis.
FERNIS: They call me Fernis. Came here when war broke out in Hades. Ran a newspaper there. Souls hunger for news of the living. Was gonna launch a website when Tantalus attacked Elysium. Bombed my offices! Had to clear out and, well, one thing or another, here I am. Poor and always hungry.
PANEL 3
Brian puts his arm around Fernis, who weeps in his shoulder. Mary, the horned woman speaks.
BRIAN: We got ya, mate.
FERNIS: More’n I deserve. (SOB)
MARY: I have all sorts of names, but you can call me Mary.
PANEL 4
Mary lifts her pint as she speaks. She’s one of The Horned Women
MARY: Back in the day my 11 sisters and I were powerful witches.
See these horns? I got two. My first sister had one, my third sister had three, and so on til my twelfth sister had twelve bloody horns stickin’ out of her fool head.
We were frightful. No one messed with us. We made bogies shit ‘emselves.
All good til one day some plucky warrior took a saw to my sister’s horns.
Destroyed their magic. I got away, but without my sisters, I cannae do shite.
PANEL 5
Izzy (Isidore), the goblin Fiona kicked out the window. Mary scoffs.
Izzy: I am Prince Leonardo. My family line hails from the great Cuchulainn!
MARY: Shut it! Yer name’s Izzy. Yer crap and yer family is crap.
Izzy: I can be what I want.
MARY: Feh. Yeh’ll always be a bloody Izzy to me.
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